Quotes
Funny quotes
Funny Quotes shows that life should be lived one day at a time. Many of us are stressed and we are too busy in our everyday lives. Make a cup of coffee or tea and relax. Sit down and enjoy these funny quotes and let yourself be inspired how you can get a better life.
- Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
– Elbert Hubbard - I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
– Steven Wright - It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.
– Arnold Schwarzenegger - The four most beautiful words in our common language: “I told you so”.
– Gore Vidal - Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
– Jules Renard - I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure
if I ever went there, I could get by.
– Bonnie McFarlane - A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
– Jay Leno - I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
– Robin Williams - If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
– Bridger Winegar - Red sky at night, shepherd’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day.
– Tom Parry - Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
– Oscar Levant - The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
– Stanley Randall - We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
– Rita Rudner - People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
– Isaac Asimov - I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody…”
– Demetri Martin - General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?
– Jay Leno - Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
– Will Rogers - Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
– Anonymous - How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
– Jimmy Kimmel - I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
– Winston Churchill - Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
– Adam Gropman - I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
— Robert Brault - A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
– Steve Martin - Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
– Groucho Marx - How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
– Jay Leno - No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
– Abraham Lincoln - “Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.”
—Alcohol
– Josh Hara - Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
– David Letterman - Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
– Jim Carrey - My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
— Jerry Seinfeld - If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
– Jon Stewart - A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
– Don Marquis - There’s no “I” in denial.
– Peter Serafinowicz - Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.
– Stephen Colbert - A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
– Oliver Herford - What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
– George Carlin - What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?
– Jerry Seinfeld - If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
– Robin Williams - At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
– Zach Galifianakis - Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
– Paul Rodriguez - If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
– Jack Benny - A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2030.
– Rich Hall - Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence.
— Erma Bombeck - A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
– Lana Turner - Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time.
— Norman Ford - My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
– Sarah Silverman - If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
– Clint Eastwood - I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
– Mitch Hedberg - Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information.
— Bob Elliott - Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
– Robin Williams - Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
— Shirley Maclaine - My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.
– Wendy Liebman - Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.
– Stephen Hawking - This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.
– Conan O’Brien - Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
– Andy Borowitz - It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
– Robert Frost - The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
– Dave Barry - People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”
I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
– Jerry Seinfeld - If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
– Henny Youngman - The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
– Demetri Martin - If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
– Theodore Roosevelt - Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
– Groucho Marx - If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
– George Carlin - A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
– Lesley Wake - Reality continues to ruin my life.
– Bill Watterson - If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
– Lily Tomlin - Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
– Bill Clinton - Too much agreement kills a chat.
– Eldridge Cleaver - Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
– Ricky Gervais - My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum…
— Elayne Boosler - My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
– Margaret Smith - I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
– Jimmy Kimmel - One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
– Mitch Hedberg - There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– Henry A. Kissinger - I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
– Rita Rudner - Electricity is really just organized lightning.
– George Carlin - I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
– Calvin Coolidge - Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
— Jeff Valdez - If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
— Mitch Hedberg - Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
– P. J. O’Rourke - Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
— George Carlin - Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
– Jerry Seinfeld - There’s only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.
– Jeff Garlin - Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
– Demetri Martin - For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.
— Allan Sherman - There’s a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast.
– J. Michael Straczynski - The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
— Mike Birbiglia - Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
– Steve Martin - We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.
– Louis Aragon
Many more funny quotes
The last 25 funny quotes
Here is a video with funny quotes. (Created by Isabel Cousins)
Laughter and fun make our lives easier, life is too short to be taken seriously. Enjoy life and enjoy them with people you love and care about. These funny quotes is an example of that life should be enjoyed and taken one day at a time. If you like these quotes, remember to share with friends and family. And leave a comment if you like.
