Cow jokes

• • A man goes to visit relatives who live on a farm. When he gets there, there is a cow standing outside which only has 3 legs.
    The guy asks how it came to have only 3 legs.
    The farmer says, “Oh, that’s Daisy. One day, she saved my live by running into a barn fire and dragging me out. Another time she saved our son’s life by leading us to the well he’d fallen into. She’s the most miraculous cow I’ve ever seen.”
    The guy is impressed but asks, “But how did she lose her leg?”
    The farmer says, “You don’t eat a cow like that all at once.”

• • A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked.
    “Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!” the farmer answered.

• • Two cows are standing in a field.
    The first cow looks at the other and says “What do you think about all this talk of mad cow disease?”
    The second cow replies, “Why should I care, I’m a helicopter.”

• • A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
    Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
    “Well, it was like this” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it’s rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
    “What did you do?”, asked the doctor.
    “Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, “Hey! This looks like yours!”

• • There are two cows standing in a field.
    The first cow says to the other, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
    The second cow replies, “No way, I don’t believe you.”
    The first says, “It’s true, no bull.”

• • A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers.
    He noticed a bull nearby.
    Say, farmer. Is that bull safe?
    Well, he’s a lot safer than you are right now!

• • A blonde woman was taking a walk in the countryside one day. She was in a field when she noticed something that intrigued her.
    “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” she asked the local farmer who just happened to appear at that time.
    “Well,” said the farmer, “Cows can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don’t have any horns at all.”
    He then continued, “But this cow doesn’t have any horns because it’s a horse…”

• • Two guys are riding on a train through Texas.
    As the train passes by a ranch the first guy turns to the second and tells him there are 1,356 cows on the ranch.
    The second guy says, “That’s amazing! I happen to own that ranch and I know for a fact that I have 1,356 head of cattle. How did you ever figure out the number of cows from a speeding train?”
    “Oh it’s simple” the first guy replies. “I counted the legs and divided by four.”

• • A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
    “What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked.
    “Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied.
    “Heard of what?”
    “Herd of cows.”
    “Of course I’ve heard of cows.”
    “No, a cow herd.”
    “What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”

• • Two farmers are talking one day. The first tells the other that he’s had to shoot one of his cows.
    The second farmer asks, “Was it mad?”
    The first one replies, “Well it wasn’t very happy about it.

Want more cow jokes? then read on

• • What do you call it when a mad cow gets loose?
    Udder destruction!

• • What did mama cow say to baby cow?
    It’s pasture bedtime.

• • Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
    Because they lactose.

• • My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course.
    She’s been grazing in the field too long.
    And now she thinks she’s a horse.

• • Why don’t cows have any money?
    Because farmers milk them dry.

• • My wife left me for an Indian guy.
    I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

• • What do you call a cow you can’t see?
    Camooflauged.

• • What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and an upset cow?
    An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.

• • Where do cows go on holiday?
    Moo Zealand.

• • What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
    A milkshake!

• • Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon?
    The farmer had cold hands.

• • Two cows were out in a field eating grass.
    One cow turns to the other cow and says, “Moooooo!”
    “Hey”, the other cow replies. “I was just about to say the same thing!”

• • What do cows eat for breakfast?
    Moosli.

• • How easy is it to milk a cow?
    It’s a piece of steak.

• • Why did the cow cross the road?
    To get to the udder side.

• • What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?
    “Deja moo!”

• • What does a cow put on his French toast?
    Moooolasses.

• • How do you make a milkshake?
    Give a cow a pogo stick.

• • What did the cow say to the wolf?
    I’ve got no beef with you.

• • Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
    Because the cow has the utter.

• • What do cows do while skiing?
    Moo-Guls!

• • Why are cows so good at math?
    They love to cownt.

• • What do you call an evil cow?
    De-mooooon.

• • What is a cow’s favorite lunchmeat?
    Bullogna.

• • What do you call a fight between two herds of cows?
    A cattle battle.

• • What do you call a cow that can cut the grass?
    Mulan.

• • What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
    A lawn moo-er.

• • Where do Russians get milk?
    From Mos-cows.

• • Why was the cow so scared?
    Because he was a cow-ard.

• • What did the cow say to the cow tipping rednecks?
    Don’t moooove a muscle.

• • What do you call animal drinking with Justin Timberlake?
    TEA COW!

• • Where do cows go for lunch?
    The calf-eteria.

• • How does a cow get to the mooooon?
    It flies through udder space!

• • What do you call a cow with an assistant?
    Moooooving up in the world.

• • Which job is a cow most suited for?
    Baker. Because they’re making cow pies regularly.

• • “Where did the cows go last night”?
    “To the mooon”.

• • What happens when you talk to a cow?
    It goes in one ear and out the udder!

• • Why can’t a cow become a detective?
    They refuse to go on Steakouts!

• • What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow?
    Peanut butter.

• • Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
    To get chocolate milk.

• • What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
    Laughing stock.

• • What is a cow’s favorite colour?
    Maroooooooon.

• • What do u call a really strong cow?
    Beefy.

• • What do you call a sleeping bull?
    A bulldozer.

• • What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
    Milk and Quackers!

• • Why did the cow cross the road?
    Cause it didn’t want Lady Gaga to make a meat dress out of him.

• • What do you get when you walk under a cow?
    A pat on the head.

• • How does lady gaga like her steak?
    Raw raw raw raw raw.

• • What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
    Udder-Catastrophe.

• • What are a cows favorite subjects in school?
    Moosic, psycowolgy, cowculus.

• • Where did the bull lose all his money?
    At the Cowsino.

• • What do you call a sad cow?
    Mooooved to tears.

• • Where do you find the most cows?
    Moo-York.

• • What do cows get when they are sick?
    Hay Fever.

• • What did the cow say to the lousy renter?
    Moooooooooo yourself out of here.

• • Did you hear that Chuck Norris is a matador?
    He takes the bull by the horns.

Many more funny cow jokes

• • What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
    Milk of Amnesia.

• • Why do cows wear bells?
    Their horns don’t work.

• • How can you tell which cow is the best dancer?
    Wait until one busts a moooooove.

• • Did you hear about the blonde that died with a bow and arrow in her hand?
    She hit the bull’s eye.

• • What Is A Cows Favorite Type Of Math?
    Moo-tiplication.

• • What are the spots on black and white cows?
    Holstains.

• • What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning?
    “It’s just an udder day”.

• • What were the cows doing under the tree?
    Talking about the latest moos.

• • Where do cows go when they want a night out?
    To the moo-vies!

• • What do you call a cow with a twitch?
    Beef Jerky.

• • How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
    With a Cowculator.

• • What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
    Bull-dozin.

• • What do you call a cow that’s afraid of the dark?
    A coward.

• • What’s a cow’s favorite moosical note?
    Beef-flat.

• • Where do Russians get their milk?
    From Mos-cows.

• • Did you hear about the snobby cow?
    She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!

• • Why are cows so soft?
    Because they are made out of leather.

• • What did the cow say to the turtle?
    Get a moove on.

• • What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
    A milk dud!

• • Where do cows get their weapons?
    Ar-moooo-ries.

• • What do cows wear in Hawaii?
    Moo- moos.

• • How does one cow talk to another?
    Cow-munication.

• • What did the cow say when a person played the piano?
    That’s good moooooosic.

• • Did you hear that NASA recently launched a bunch of Holsteins into low Earth orbit?
    They called it the Herd Shot ‘Round The World!

• • What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull?
    A steak-out!

• • Where do cows get together?
    The meet market.

• • What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
    An udder failure.

• • What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor?
    Ground Beef.

• • What do you call a cow with no front legs?
    Lean Beef.

• • What do you call a cow with full armor?
    Sir loin.

• • Where do cows like to ride on trains?
    In the cow-boose.

• • What do you call a grumpy cow?
    Moo-dy.

• • What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
    Ground beef.

• • What band is a cow favorite?
    Moody Blues.

• • What do cows get when they do all their chores?
    Mooooney.

• • Why is the barn so noisy?
    Because all of the cows have horns.

• • What did the secret agent cow say to the other cow?
    Are you udder cover?

• • What goes oo ooo oooo?
    A cow with no lips.

• • When is a farmer like a magician?
    When he turns his cow into pasture.

• • What did one dairy cow say to another?
    Got milk?

• • How to you know that cows will be in heaven?
    It’s a place of udder delight.

• • What game do little cows like to play?
    Moonopoly.

• • Why can’t the bankrupt cowboy complain?
    He’s got no beef.

• • What do you get when you cross and smurf and a cow?
    Blue cheese!

The last 25 cow jokes

• • Why does the cow bring toilet paper to the party?
    Because he is a party pooper.

• • Why do cows like being told jokes?
    Because they like being amoosed!

• • How do you stop a bull from charging?
    Take away his credit card!

• • What animals do you bring to bed?
    Your calves.

• • What happened to the lost cattle?
    Nobody’s herd.

• • Is there big money in the cattle business?
    So I’ve herd!

• • What newspaper do cows read?
    The Daily Moos.

• • What does an invisible man drink?
    Evaporated milk!

• • What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
    A cow walking backwards!

• • What US state has the most cows?
    Moosouri!

• • What is the difference between a car and a bull?
    A car only has one horn.

• • What do you find a gallery of cows?
    The mooseum.

• • What happens when a cow laughs too hard?
    It Cowlapses!

• • What does a cow make when the sun comes out?
    A shadow.

• • Where does a cow stay when it is on vacation?
    A moo-tel!

• • What do you get when you give pasta to a cow?
    Beefaroni.

• • A husband and wife cows are mad at each other so the husband says to his wife.
    “You udder hear me out”.

• • Why doesn’t Sweden export it’s cattle?
    It wants to keep it’s Stockholm!

• • Why do cows have long faces?
    Because you would have a long face too, if your tits were getting pulled twice a day.

• • Did you know that cows love Marvin Gaye?
    Yeah, I herd it through the bovine.

• • What did Ally the cow say to Martha the cow when her boyfriend the Bull cheated on her?
    How Dairy!

• • Why do cows think cooks are mean?
    They whip cream!

• • If you didn’t like that cow joke don’t worry, I’ve got udders.

• • Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer?
    He wanted her to hit the hay!

• • What happens when a cow is exhausted?
    It cowlapses.