One liner jokes

• • After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.

• • What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

• • The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

• • I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

• • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

• • When I see birds fly, I think to myself: “If I was a bird, who would I make a poo on?”

• • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

• • You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

• • What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

• • I don’t know if liquor is the answer, but it’s worth a shot!

• • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

• • I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

• • If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

• • I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

• • A day without sunshine is like, night.

• • Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water I’d drink it.

• • My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

• • Born free, taxed to death.

• • Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

• • Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

• • What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

• • My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

• • I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

• • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

• • PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

• • The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

• • My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Great one liner jokes

• • I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls.

• • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

• • Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

• • I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

• • Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.

• • I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.

• • What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

• • People say I’m condescending. That means i talk down to people.

• • Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

• • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

• • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

• • Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

• • I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

• • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• • Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

• • Good friends are like bottles of Sweet Wine……that’s why I keep mine locked in the cellar.

• • What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

• • I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

• • I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

• • Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

• • With great power, comes great electricity bills.

• • One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?”

• • I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

• • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Many more one liner jokes

• • The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

• • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

• • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?

• • Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

• • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

• • Violence is never the answer. It’s just a really good solution.

• • Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

• • I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

• • Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

• • Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

• • My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company.

• • For anyone who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.

• • Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

• • If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

• • I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

• • I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.

• • Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re also ugly.

• • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

• • Ain’t it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.

• • Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.

• • You cannot taste me, until you undress me. (Banana)

• • A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

• • IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

• • You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

• • What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

• • I can handle pain until it hurts.

• • How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

• • You cannot eat me unless you lick me. (Ice-cream)

The last 15 one liner jokes

• • Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to dance ballet.

• • A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

• • What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

• • Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

• • Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

• • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

• • How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? — His lips are moving.

• • You cannot play with me unless you blow me. (Balloon)

• • Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an IPad.

• • You cannot eat me unless you spread me. (Butter)

• • Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

• • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

• • You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

• • A day without smiling is a day wasted.

• Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.