Harry Potter jokes

• • Where do you find Dumbledore’s Army?
    Up his Sleevy.

• • How many Muggles does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    One. It is the only thing they are good for.

• • Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad teacher?
    Because he can’t control his pupils.

• • What do you call a Hufflepuff with one brain cell?
    Gifted.

• • What do you call a coughing Quidditch commentator?
    A Weasley!

• • What’s the most unrealistic thing about the Harry Potter books?
    A ginger with two friends.

• • A wizard walks into a pub and orders a Forgetfulness Potion.
    He turns to the witch next to him and says, “So, do I come here often?”

• • Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?
    So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

• • Did you hear about the witch who won the lottery?
    Yeah, she went completely Knuts!

• • You don’t get my Harry Potter jokes?
    There must be some thing RON with you.

• • The barman says, “We don’t serve time-travelers here.”
    Hermione walks into a pub with a time-turner.

• • What do you call a Hufflepuff with two brain cells?
    Pregnant.

• • Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
    Because it was making him Moody.

• • What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
    Why so Sirius?

• • A muggle walks into the Hog’s Head inn with a frog on his shoulder. The barkeep says, “That’s pretty cool—where’d you get it?”
    “London,” the frog croaks, “They’ve got millions of ‘em!”

• • How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash?
    With quit-itch.

• • What kind of cereal do they serve at Hogwarts?
    Hufflepuffs.

• • Why was Harry Potter sent to the office?
    Because he was cursing in class!

• • Why does Voldemort love Nagini so much?
    Because she gives him hugs and hisses.

• • Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?
    Nobody nose.

• • What do Harry Potter and Charlie Brown have in common?
    They’re both in love with the little girl with red hair.

• • Why does Voldemort only use Twitter and not Facebook?
    Cause he only has followers, not friends.

• • How do you get a mythical creature into your house?
    Through the Gryffindor.

• • How do you know if someone’s a pureblood?
    Don’t worry they’ll let you know.

• • Why did the Hufflepuff charm her hair blonde?
    To look intelligent.

• • Why did Death Eaters cross the road?
    The Dark Lord ordered it.

• • Why does Sirius Black have so many girlfriends?
    Once you go black you siriusly dont go back!

• • How many centaurs does it take to light up a single wand?
    Two. One to say the spell and the other to keep remarking how bright the wand is tonight.

• • What did the golden snitch say when Harry Potter was itchy?
    Quidditching!

• • How many Hufflepuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    All of them.

• • How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None – wizards don’t use electricity!

• • What does Harry Potter have that Voldemort doesn’t?
    A nose!

• • Why did Harry Potter cross the road?
    No reason, but someone will write fan fiction about it.

• • How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the room.

• • I named my lizard “Harry” just so I can say “Your a lizard Harry!”

• • What do you call a potterhead on a horse?
    Harry Trotter.

Many more Harry Potter jokes

• • What do you get when you cross a Ravenclaw with the infirmary?
    Ill-literacy.

• • How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
    With Dementos.

• • What do you call a movie about Daniel Radcliffe getting high?
    Harry Pothead.

• • How many normal Seekers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One, but he gets a hundred and fifty points for it.

• • If your boyfriend looks like Oliver Wood, he’s probably a keeper.

• • Did you survive Avada Kedavra?
    Cause your drop dead gorgeous.

• • Voldemort: Why so sirius?
    Sirius Black: Why so nosy?

• • Roses are red Violets are blue I thought Voldemort was ugly, But then I saw you.

• • Knock Knock.
    Who’s There?
    You Know!
    You Know Who?
    Exactly.

• • Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Cornelius
    Cornelius who?
    Well, that’s politics for you.

• • Ron: Hi I’m Ron Weasley.
    Harry: Your sister will bear my children.

• • Hermoine: I’m going to bed.
    Draco: Can I Slytherin?

• • On a scale from one to ten, how obsessed with Harry Potter are you?
    About nine and three quarters.

• • Yo mama Harry Potter jokes
    • Yo mama’s so ugly a Dementor won’t even kiss her. 

    • Yo Mama’s so fat her patronus is a whale…

    • Yo momma’s so fat her patronus is a milkshake.

    • Yo momma’s so fat, her wand is a Slim Jim.

    • Your mum so fat when she looks in the Mirror of Erised she sees a ham!

    • Yo mama so ugly, not even voldemort would say her name

    • Yo momma’s so fat the sorting hat put her in all of the houses.