The 50 Funniest and Most Famous Comedian Quotes

Famous Comedian Quotes – There are plenty of comedians in the world and some become more famous than others. For anyone that loves comedy, there are plenty of prominent comedians that have delivered several memorable lines and jokes that made many people laugh. While not every comedian is recognized, there are some of them that have made some famous and hilarious lines in their career. If you are someone that is interested in learning more about comedians, here are some Famous Comedian Quotes:

• “Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
  –  Bill Murray
  
• “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.“
  – Lily Tomlin
  
• “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.“
  – Betty White
  
• “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
  – Joan Rivers
  
• “You’re only given one little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”
  – Robin Williams
  
• “When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”
  – Billy Connolly
  
• “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
  – Steve Martin
  
• “I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.”
  – Adam Sandler
  
• “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.'”
  – Bob Newhart
  
• “If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.“
  – Gilbert Gottfried
  
• “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
  – Jim Carrey
  
• “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
  – George Carlin
  
• “As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.”
  –  Mel Brooks
  
• “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.“
  – Larry David
  
• “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
  – Mitch Hedberg

More Famous Comedian Quotes

• “What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.”
  – Amy Poehler
  
• “Everything’s funny — in the right context and done by the right person.”
  – Chris Rock
  
• “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” -Jimmy Kimmel
• “For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.”
  – Lily Tomlin
  
• “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
  – Demetri Martin
  
• “I don’t have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.”
  – Dylan Moran
  
• “Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.”
  – Chris Rock
  
• “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
  – Bob Hope
  
• “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”
  – Groucho Marx
  
• I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”
  – Eddie Izzard
  
• “My psychiatrist told me I am crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”
  – Rodney Dangerfield 
  
• “It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
  – Rita Rudner
  
• “When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine.”
  – Trevor Noah
  
•  “People always ask me ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, I was an accountant.”
  – Ellen Degeneres 
  
• “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
  – Zach Galifianakis

Other Great lines by Comedians

• “If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.”
  –  W. C. Fields
  
• “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
  – Oscar Wilde
  
• “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”
  – John Mulaney
  
• “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.”
  – Louis C. K.
  
• “Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine.”
  – Whoopi Goldberg
  
• “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’ “
  – Jerry Seinfeld
  
• “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.”
  – Ron White
  
• “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
  – Charles Schulz
  
• “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ anymore.”
  – Jeff Foxworthy
  
• “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
  – Woody Allen

Inspirational and Funny Quotes by Comedians

• “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
  – George Carlin
  
• “You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”
  – George Burns
  
• “Be kind to people on the way up – you’ll meet them again on your way down.”
  – Jimmy Durante
  
• “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”
  – Lucille Ball
  
• “I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is, I’m good today. Real good.”
  – Chris Farley
  
• “Don’t keep reaching for the stars because you’ll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.”
  – Jimmy Fallon
  
• “The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.”
  – Chelsea Handler
  
• “Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.”
  – Joey Adams
  
• “Life is designed to knock you down. It will knock you down time and time again, but it doesn’t matter how many times you fall – it matters how many times you get back up.”
  – Lilly Singh
  
• “Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.”
  – Jo Brand

Did you have a laugh with these quotes? You can enjoy even more laughs with our “Walk into a Bar Jokes” and “Chicken Cross the Road Jokes.”