50 Funny Christmas Quotes to Laugh At

Funny Christmas Quotes – The holidays bring out plenty of memorable lines that talk about it. Among them are plenty of lines that’ll cause a giggle. Whether it be a hilarious line from a comedic holiday film or a quip from a comedian, there’s plenty to poke at during the Christmas season. Compared to classic jokes, funny holiday lines have a more cheeky quality to them. Sometimes it is funny for some and not for others. A few funny Christmas quotes to enjoy include the following:

• “Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” – Larry Wilde
• “You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” – Kate Summers
• “Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” – Stephen Jones
• “I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him.” – Theodore W. Higginsworth
• “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor
• “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde
• “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” – Charles M. Schulz
• “‘White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs.” – Stewart Stafford
• “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” – Robert Paul
• “The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.” – Bill Vaughan
• “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis
• “I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter.” – Eloisa James
• “Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it.” – Stephen King
• “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?” – Matt Groening
• “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” – Andy Rooney

Additional Cheeky and Funny Christmas Quotes

• “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips
• “I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” – Charlotte Christmas
• “Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” – Frank McKinney Hubbard
• “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin
• ”Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan
• “There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” – Kristen Wiig
• “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” – Robert Godden
• ”A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” – Melanie White
• “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” – Bernard Manning
• ”From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn
• “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” – Andy Borowitz
• “The older I get, the fewer useless gifts I get. The fewer I get, the less I have to wrap to re-gift for next Christmas.” – Robert Rivers
• “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” – Steven Wright
• “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman
• ”It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.” – Milton Berle

Other Hilarious Christmas Lines

• “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” – Carol Nelson
• “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry Seinfeld
• “Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” – Jimmy Fallon
• “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear
• “Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
• “Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope
• “I wish we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and open one up every month.”
• “If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.”
• “You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”
• “It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.”
• “Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.”
• “Santa’s reindeer get around so fast because they have athletes feet.
• “A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
• “I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
• “People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?”
• “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.”
• ”Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.”
• “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
• “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” 
• “People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.”

If you liked these quotes, check out our Christmas Movie Quotes and Christmas Pick-up Lines.