Clean jokes

Many jokes contains naughty, racist or condescending punchlines. Here is a list of clean jokes that even your kids can read without the need to worry.

• • You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
    Because they’re really good at it.

• • "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
    "You can't tuna fish."

• • What is red and smells like blue paint?
    Red paint.

• • What do you call an alligator in a vest?
    An Investigator.

• • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

• • A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks, "Can I help you, sir?"
    The man answers, "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?"
    The bartender says, "That would be $2.60."
    "Alright, I'll have one," says the man. He takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and throws them all on the ground. The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
    A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
    The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge so when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The man drinks his coffee leaving the change on the ground. A few minutes later he throws two dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

• • What do you call a pile of kittens
    A meowntain.

• • Where does the General keep his armies?
    In his sleevies!

• • What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
    Every morning you'll rise and shine!

• • Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
    The don’t meet the koalafications.

• • A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
    The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
    The next week the lady comes back.
    "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
    The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

• • What do you get from a pampered cow?
    Spoiled milk.

• • What do you call bears with no ears?
    B.

• • Did you hear about the hungry clock?
    It went back four seconds.

• • Why dont blind people skydive?
    Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

• • A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
    "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!"
    Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

• • What do you call a baby monkey?
    A Chimp off the old block.

• • I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
    I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

• • Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
    The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

• • What’s a foot long and slippery?
    A slipper.

Great clean jokes

• • I bumped into an old school friend at the store today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports cars.
    Then he pulled out his phone and showed me a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
    I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
    He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
    I said, "No, she's an optometrist."

• • Did you hear about that new broom?
    It's sweeping the nation!

• • Two gold fish are in a tank.
    One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

• • Two soldiers are in a tank.
    One looks at the other and says, “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.”

• • What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
    An ambulance.

• • I have an EpiPen.
    My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

• • What do you call a fat psychic?
    A four chin teller.

• • What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
    The taste.

• • A burglar broke into a home.
    He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search.
    Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
    He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
    He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses."
    The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
    The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus."

• • What gets wetter the more it dries?
    A towel.

• • What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
    An irrelephant.

• • What do lawyers wear to court?
    Lawsuits!

• • A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”
    The horse says, “Me neither!”

• • What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
    A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

• • Why did the belt get arrested?
    He held up a pair of pants.

• • How did the hipster burn his mouth?
    He ate the pizza before it was cool.

• • How do you make a tissue dance?
    Put a little boogey in it!

• • What’s red and moves up and down?
    A tomato in an elevator.

• • Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
    It's dread-full.

• • What did Bacon say to Tomato?
    Lettuce get together!

• • What do you call a computer that sings?
    A-Dell.

• • A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
    The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”
    “Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
    “Yes. What’s your third question?”

• • I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
    Then it dawned on me.

• • What is heavy forward but not backward?
    Ton.

• • Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
    Because the “P” is silent!

• • What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
    A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

• • My roommate told me my clothes look gay.
    I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.

• • What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
    Swimming trunks.

• • How did the blonde die ice fishing?
    She was hit by the zamboni.

• • What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
    Kitty Perry.

• • How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
    No, it actually is.

• • What do you call a gangsta snowman?
    Froze-T.

• • What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?
    They’re both red except for the green one.

• • What did the femur say to the patella?
    I kneed you.

• • Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

• • Where do bees go to the bathroom?
    At the BP station!

• • What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
    OMG! BREATHE! BREATHEEEEE!

• • Why did the picture go to jail?
    Because it was framed.

• • Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
    Student: "Meat!"
    Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
    Student: "Bacon!"
    Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
    Student: "Homework!"

• • How do you drown a Hipster?
    In the mainstream.

• • My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

• • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
    A thesaurus.

• • In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

• • Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
    She couldn't find the "10" button.

• • Who earns a living driving their customers away?
    A taxi driver.

• • What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
    LMAYO.

• • What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
    Same middle name.

• • What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
    Clean Jokes!

• • A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

• • "How do you shoot a killer bee?"
    "With a bee bee gun."

• • What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
    A stamp.

• • How do you make holy water?
    Boil the hell out of it!

• • Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."
    That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

• • What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
    "Where's Popcorn?"

• • What do you call sad coffee?"
    Despresso.

• • I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief.
    But when I got home, all the signs were there.

• • What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
    Nobody nose.

• • Is Google male or female?
    Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

• • What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
    It barked with de-light!

• • Why are pirates called pirates?
    Cause they arrrrr.

• • Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
    Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

• • Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
    Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

• • What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs?
    A penny.

• • Why did the computer go to the doctor?
    Because it had a virus!

• • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
    It's okay. He woke up.

• • Why are frogs so happy?
    They eat whatever bugs them.

• • My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…
    …not screaming like the passengers in his car.

• • What is the tallest building in the world?
    The library! It has the most stories!

• • "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
    "My father's check book!"

• • How do you make an Octopus laugh?
    With ten-tickles.

• • What do you call a pig that does karate?
    A pork chop.

• • What do you call a sleeping bull?
    A bulldozer!

• • How do you organize a space party?
    You planet!

• • What's the first bet that most people make in their lives?
    The alpha bet.

• • What did the left eye say to the right eye?
    Between you and me, something smells.

• • What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
    Milk and quackers!

• • What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
    Guardians of the Galaxy.

• • What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
    Man, that hit the "spot."

• • I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

• • A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

• • Why do fish live in salt water?
    Because pepper makes them sneeze!

• • Why is England the wettest country?
    Because the queen has reigned there for years!

• • What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
    Instagram.

Enjoy these clean jokes

• • Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
    Because it was not peeling well.

• • Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
    He wanted to get a long little doggie.

• • Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
    He wanted cold hard cash!

• • What belongs to you but others use more?
    Your name.

• • What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
    A Yamahahaha.

• • What do you call an illegally parked frog?
    Toad.

• • If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.
    When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?

• • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    Frostbite.

• • What is the best day to go to the beach?
    Sunday, of course!

• • What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
    Spring time.

• • What bow can't be tied?
    A rainbow!

• • Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
    That’s just how I roll.

• • Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
    To get a tweetment.

• • What has one head, one foot and four legs?
    A Bed.

• • Where did the computer go to dance?
    To a disc-o.

• • What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
    Bubble Gum.

• • Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

• • Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
    Because she couldn't control her pupils?

• • What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
    The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".

• • Did you hear the joke about the roof?
    Never mind, it's over your head!

• • What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
    Ouch.

• • What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
    A Clausterphobic.

• • What three candies can you find in every school?
    Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.

• • If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
    They're normally around 90 degrees.

• • What do you call a bee that lives in America?
    USB.

• • Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
    Because his friend said dinner is on me.

• • What do you call a cow with a twitch?
    Beef Jerky.

• • Did you hear about the angry pancake?
    He just flipped.

• • Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
    Because he had no-body to go with.

• • How do crazy people go through the forest?
    They take the psycho path.

• • Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
    Student: "A drinking problem."

• • Did you ever hear about that movie constipation?
    It never came out.

• • What do prisoners use to call each other?
    Cell phones.

• • Did you hear about the carrot detective?
    He got to the root of every case.

• • Did you hear about the hairdresser?
    She dyed.

• • What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
    A Gummy Bear.

• • What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
    2 Fast 2 Curious.

• • Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
    Student: "HIJKLMNO."
    Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
    Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

• • Where do snowmen keep their money?
    In snow banks.

• • What do you call a musician with problems?
    A trebled man.

• • Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
    He pasta way.

• • What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers?
    The Telephone.

• • What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
    A Roman Catholic.

• • Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
    He pulled a muscle.

• • What washes up on very small beaches?
    Microwaves!

• • Why can't you take a nap during a race?
    Because if you snooze, you loose!

• • What did the tie say to the hat?
    You go on ahead and I'll hang around.

• • Bob: "Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder."
    Jim: "Oh my God, are you okay?"
    Bob: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."

• • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
    He was lucky it was a soft drink.

• • What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
    Hi Cliff!

• • What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
    The road!

• • What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
    Envelope.

• • Why did Tony go out with a prune?
    Because he couldn't find a date!

• • Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
    The scientists were brainstorming!

• • What did Delaware?
    A New Jersey.

• • What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
    Show me the honey!

• • What does a nosey pepper do?
    Gets jalapeno business!

• • Did you hear the one about the geologist?
    He took his wife for granite so she left him.

• • What do you call a fake noodle?
    An Impasta.

• • Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
    Because he was sitting on the deck!

• • What did the man say to the wall?
    One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!

• • What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio?
    Cool Music.

• • Brunette: "Where were you born?"
    Blonde: "The United States."
    Brunette: "Which part?"
    Blonde: "My whole body."

• • What has four wheels and flies?
    A garbage truck!

• • What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
    I think I'm coming down with something!

• • What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

• • Why did the traffic light turn red?
    You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

• • What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
    Post Office!

• • Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
    Because then it would be a foot!

• • How do trees access the internet?
    They log in.

• • What do you call a frozen dog?
    A pupsicle.

• • Why should you take a pencil to bed?
    To draw the curtains!

• • What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
    A waist of time.

• • What did the blanket say to the bed?
    Don't worry, I've got you covered!

• • What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage?
    To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.

• • What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
    A loose Canon.

• • What dog keeps the best time?
    A watch dog.

• • What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
    A barbercue.

• • How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
    One! After that its not empty!

• • What kind of button won't unbutton?
    A bellybutton!

• • What do you call a condiment with a hit single?
    A must"heard".

• • Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
    Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

• • At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

• • What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?
    Transparents.

• • What do you get when you plant kisses?
    Tu-lips (two-lips).

• • What do you call two fat people having a chat?
    A heavy discussion.

• • Why did the tomato turn red?
    It saw the salad dressing!

• • Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
    Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.

• • What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
    You are to little to smoke!

• • Why don't skeletons fight each other?
    They don't have the guts.

• • What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
    Odor in the court.

• • What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
    It let out a little wine!

• • What do you call the new girl at the bank?
    The Nutella!

• • A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate.
    He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?"
    The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

• • What do you call cheese that is not yours?
    Nacho Cheese.

• • What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
    Dam!

• • Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
    So he could have sweet dreams.

• • What did the penny say to the other penny?
    We make perfect cents.

• • What streets do ghosts haunt?
    Dead ends!

• • Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
    He got stuck in Orbit.

• • What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
    Shakespeare.

• • Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
    To get to the second hand shop.

• • Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
    He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

• • What happens if life gives you melons?
    Your dyslexic.

• • Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
    Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

• • Why did the robber take a bath?
    Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

• • What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
    Fingernails.

• • What do you call a funny mountain?
    Hill-arious.

• • What did the judge say to the dentist?
    Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

• • Did you hear about the sick juggler?
    They say he couldn’t stop throwing up!

• • What did one raindrop say to the other?
    Two's company, three's a cloud.

• • What goes up when the rain comes down?
    An umbrella.

• • Did you hear about the calendar thief?
    He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered.

• • What kind of driver never get a parking ticket?
    A screw driver.

• • Why did the balloon burst?
    Because is saw a lolly pop.

• • What did the triangle say to the circle?
    Your pointless!

• • What do you call a horse that can't lose a race?
    Sherbet.

• • What did the stamp say to the envelope?
    Stick with me and we will go places!

• • Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard?
    A barber.

• • What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
    I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

• • Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie?
    It's the one rated Arrrr!

• • What do you call a dentist in the army?
    A drill sergeant.

• • What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
    Flood lights!

• • Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him?
    The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.

• • Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
    Because the cow has the utter.

• • What's easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
    Trouble.

• • Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
    His trousers fit him like a glove.

• • Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
    Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

• • What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
    A Frisbee.

• • What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?
    It wooden go!

• • Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
    Because they're all in High School!

• • Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
    "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!

• • What did the M&M go to college?
    Because he wanted to be a Smarty.

• • Which month do soldiers hate most?
    The month of March!

• • What did one toilet roll say to the other toilet roll?
    "People keep on ripping me off!"

• • What do you call a magician on a plane?
    A flying sorcerer!

• • Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
    In case they get a hole in one!

• • What stays on the ground but never gets dirty?
    Shadow.

• • What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
    Thunderwear.

• • Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
    He wanted to get to the bottom.

• • What kind of berry has a coloring book?
    A crayon-berry.

• • Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
    Because he wanted to work over-time!

• • What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
    I wanna get a head!

• • Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
    A Mer-Maid.

• • Whens the best time to go to the dentist?
    Tooth-hurty.

• • Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary?
    Because it runs through your jeans.

• • Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
    It was quite an oar deal.

• • How did the farmer mend his pants?
    With cabbage patches!

• • When do you stop at green and go at red?
    When you're eating a watermelon!

• • What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?
    Urgent Tina.

• • Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
    Because he wanted to see time fly!

• • “The invisible man is here for his appointment."
    "Tell him I'm sorry I can't see him right now."

• • Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
    He couldn't concentrate!

• • What did the tailor think of her new job?
    It was sew sew.

• • Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
    He felt crummy!

• • What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
    A deviled egg!

• • How do you repair a broken tomato?
    Tomato Paste!

• • Why did the baby strawberry cry?
    Because his parents were in a jam!

• • What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
    A private tutor.

• • What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
    A turkey!

• • Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
    They both depend on the batter.

• • What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
    Sneakers.

• • What do you call a bear with no socks on?
    Bare-foot.

• • What can you serve but never eat?
    A volleyball.

• • A man called his child's doctor, "Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it.
    What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Until I can come over, write with another pen."

• • What did the alien say to the garden?
    Take me to your weeder.

• • Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
    So he could tie the score.

• • What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
    A refrigerator.

• • How do baseball players stay cool?
    They sit next to their fans.

• • Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
    They got married in the spring.

• • Have you heard the joke about the butter?
    I better not tell you, it might spread.

• • What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
    The Space bar!

• • Why was the math book sad?
    Because it had too many problems.

• • Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
    Because you dribble on the floor!

• • What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
    A cloud!

• • Why was the robot mad?
    People kept pushing its buttons.

• • What exam do young witches have to pass?
    A spell-ing test!

• • How do you communicate with a fish?
    Drop him a line!

• • Why did the boy eat his homework?
    Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

• • Patient: "I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee."
    Doctor: "Try taking the spoon out."

• • What do you give a dog with a fever?
    Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

• • What do cats eat for breakfast?
    Mice Crispies!

• • Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
    To the Baa Baa shop!

• • What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
    Jellyfish!

• • What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
    A sour puss!

• • Why can't a leopard hide?
    Because he's always spotted!

• • Why does a hummingbird hum?
    It doesn't know the words!

• • Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
    It was a vicious cycle.

Many more clean jokes

• • Why do birds fly south for the winter?
    Its easier than walking!

• • What kind of key opens a banana?
    A monkey!

• • What did one plate say to the other?
    Dinners on me.

• • How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
    Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

• • If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

• • What has one horn and gives milk.
    A milk truck.

• • Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
    Neither, they both weigh a ton!

• • Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
    Because they dropped out of school!

• • What goes up and down but doesn't move?
    The temperature!

• • Where do bulls get their messages?
    On a bull-etin board.

• • Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
    She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

• • Why did the barber win the race?
    Because he took a short cut.

• • What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
    A water bed!

• • What do bulls do when they go shopping?
    They CHARGE!

• • What runs but can't walk?
    The faucet!

• • Where do boats go when they get sick?
    The dock.

• • What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
    Firecrackers!

• • Can February March?
    No. But April May.

• • Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
    You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!

• • What do you call leftover aliens?
    Extra Terrestrials.

• • What's taken before you get it?
    Your picture.

• • What's red and bad for your teeth?
    A brick.

• • Did you hear about the injured vegetable?
    Some say he got beet.

• • What concert costs 45 cents?
    50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

• • What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
    An abdominal snowman.

• • Why is a 2016 calendar more popular than a 2015 calendar?
    It has more dates.

• • Why did the tree go to the dentist?
    To get a root canal.

• • Why was the broom late?
    It over swept!

• • What do you call a person that chops up cereal.
    A cereal killer.

• • What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
    Runway inflation.

• • Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?
    Because he was outstanding in his field.

• • What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
    SUPPLIES!

• • What do you call a crushed angle?
    A rectangle.

• • Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
    Because they have their own scales.

• • "Johnny, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?" exclaimed the angry mother.
    “It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.”

• • What pet makes the loudest noise?
    A trum-pet!

• • Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
    All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

• • Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
    Because he was koala-fied.

• • What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
    Bugs Bunny!

• • Did you hear about the kidnapping?
    He woke up.

• • What the difference between you and a calendar?
    A calendar has dates.

• • What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon?
    Bridge over troubled water.

• • What word looks the same backwards and upside down?
    Swims.

• • How do spiders communicate?
    Through the World Wide Web.

• • What kind of emotions do noses feel?
    Nostralgia.

• • Did you hear about the ghost comedian?
    He was booed off stage.

• • What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
    An offer you can't understand.

• • Why are chefs so mean?
    They beat eggs and whip cream.

• • Why did the dog cross the road?
    To get to the "barking" lot!

• • Where does bad light go?
    PRISM!

• • Did you hear about the circus fire?
    Yeah, it was in'tents'.

• • Did you hear about the guy who's whole left side was cut off?
    He's all right now.

• • Did you hear about the paper boy?
    He blew away.

• • Why is Peter Pan always flying?
    Because he neverlands.

• • Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture?
    None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.

• • Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
    Because he was a paleontologist.

• • Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
    They already 8 (ate).

The last 25 clean jokes

• • What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
    A Vel-Crow.

• • Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
    Their making headlines.

• • What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant?
    deadant deadant deadant deadant.

• • Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
    She had a make-up exam!

• • Music Teacher: What's your favourite musicle instrument?
    Fat Kid: The lunch bell.

• • What do you call a book that's about the brain?
    A mind reader.

• • Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
    To reach the high notes.

• • Why did the insomniac man get arrested?
    He resisted a rest.

• • Why did the computer break up with the internet?
    There was no "Connection".

• • Did you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
    When he woke up, his pillow was gone.

• • Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party?
    A party pooper.

• • What music are balloons scared of?
    Pop music.

• • What do sea monsters eat?
    Fish and ships.

• • What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
    A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!

• • Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls?
    It was a Barbie-Q.

• • How does a suit put his child into bed?
    He tux him in.

• • lol = Drowning Man.
    *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.

• • What is a tree's favorite drink?
    Root beer!

• • Today I gave my dead batteries away.
    Free of charge.

• • I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma.
    There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.

• • Want to hear a dirty joke?
    A kid jumped into a mud puddle.

• • "Two peanuts were walking down the street.
    One was asalted."

• • Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.

• • I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.

• • Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
    Because it’s pointless!

Here are other riddles and quotes we have for you