Good jokes

• • What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
    A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

• • Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?
    My name is Paul.

• • What do you call a fake noodle?
    An Impasta.

• • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot!

• • What do you call an alligator in a vest?
    An Investigator.

• • My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
    It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

• • What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
    Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

• • What did one wall say to the other wall?
    I’ll meet you at the corner!

• • “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?”
    “You can’t tuna fish.”

• • Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race?
    It ended in a tie!

• • Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
    The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!

• • Where do cows go for entertainment?
    To the moo-vies!

• • What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
    You’re looking sharp.

• • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
    He was lucky it was a soft drink.

• • Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
    Because she will Let it go.

• • Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Cows go.
    Cows go who?
    No, cows go MOO!

• • What do you get from a pampered cow?
    Spoiled milk.

• • A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

• • What do lawyers wear to court?
    Lawsuits!

• • Why are elephants so wrinkled?
    Because they take too long to iron!

• • What gets wetter the more it dries?
    A towel.

• • Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

• • What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
    Kitty Perry.

• • Why are ghosts bad liars?
    Because you can see right through them!

• • What does a nosey pepper do?
    Gets jalapeno business!

• • My friend thinks he is smart.
    He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

• • Where do bees go to the bathroom?
    At the BP station!

• • Why do bees have sticky hair?
    Because they use honey combs!

• • What did Bacon say to Tomato?
    Lettuce get together!

• • You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
    Because they’re really good at it.

• • What is the most hardworking part of the eye?
    the pupil.

• • What has four wheels and flies?
    A garbage truck!

• • How do you make a tissue dance?
    Put a little boogey in it!

• • What is red and smells like blue paint?
    Red paint.

• • What do you call a baby monkey?
    A Chimp off the old block.

• • Why did the man run around his bed?
    Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

• • What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
    Swimming trunks.

• • Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
    The don’t meet the koalafications.

• • What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
    It barked with de-light!

• • How do you drown a Hipster?
    In the mainstream.

• • What’s brown and sticky?
    A stick.

• • Who earns a living driving their customers away?
    A taxi driver.

• • “How do you shoot a killer bee?”
    “With a bee bee gun.”

• • I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
    Then it dawned on me.

Many more good jokes

• • What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
    A stamp.

• • How do you make holy water?
    Boil the hell out of it!

• • What’s red and moves up and down?
    A tomato in an elevator.

• • What do you call a sleeping bull?
    A bulldozer!

• • What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
    Milk and quackers!

• • Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
    Because the “P” is silent!

• • Why did the computer go to the doctor?
    Because it had a virus!

• • Why are frogs so happy?
    They eat whatever bugs them.

• • How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
    No, it actually is.

• • What is the tallest building in the world?
    The library! It has the most stories!

• • What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
    Man, that hit the “spot.”

• • What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
    Same middle name.

• • Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
    He wanted cold hard cash!

• • Why is England the wettest country?
    Because the queen has reigned there for years!

• • What did the left eye say to the right eye?
    Between you and me, something smells.

• • What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
    A waist of time.

• • Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
    Because it was not peeling well.

• • Why did the policeman smell bad?
    He was on duty.

• • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    Frostbite.

• • Why do fish live in salt water?
    Because pepper makes them sneeze!

• • I never make mistakes.
    I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

• • What has one head, one foot and four legs?
    A Bed.

• • What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
    Spring time.

• • Where does a sheep go for a haircut?
    To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!

• • What is the best day to go to the beach?
    Sunday, of course!

• • What bow can’t be tied
    A rainbow!

• • What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor?
    A knight light.

• • What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
    The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.

• • Where did the computer go to dance?
    To a disc-o.

• • Why did the orange stop? Because, it ran outta juice.

• • Did you hear the joke about the roof?
    Never mind, it’s over your head!

• • What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
    Ouch.

• • What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
    Dung!

• • Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
    To get a tweetment.

The last 20 good jokes

• • What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
    A Clausterphobic.

• • What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? “Where’s my Tractor?!”

• • What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs?
    A penny.

• • Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
    Because his friend said dinner is on me.

• • Two muffins are in an oven.
    One muffin says “gosh, it’s hot in here”.
    The other muffin screams “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”

• • What do prisoners use to call each other?
    Cell phones.

• • What three candies can you find in every school?
    Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.

• • What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
    It smells like carrots out here!

• • Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
    Because he had no-body to go with.

• • How do crazy people go through the forest?
    They take the psycho path.

• • What did the ghost say to the bee?
    Boo bee!

• • Where do snowmen keep their money
    In snow banks.

• • Why are pirates called pirates?
    Cause they arrrrr.

• • What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
    Hi Cliff!

• • What did one bean say to the other bean?
    How you bean?

• • Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
    The scientists were brainstorming!

• • What washes up on very small beaches?
    Microwaves!

• • What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
    Nothing, they just waved.

• • What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move?
    The road!

• • What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
    Show me the honey!

• • What did the policeman say to his belly button?
    You’re under a vest!

• • Why did Tony go out with a prune?
    Because he couldn’t find a date!

• • What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
    Guardians of the Galaxy.

• • Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
    Because gorillas have big fingers.

• • Why did the picture go to jail?
    Because it was framed.