Hilarious jokes

• • Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
    Father: Really, what?
    Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

• • A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
    “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
    They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

• • Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”
    “That’s right, Bobbie,” said the woman. “I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you’.”
    “Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”

• • “When are you going on your vacation?”
    “I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.”

• • Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”
    Mom: “I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”

• • A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
    “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
    “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

• • A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”
    He replied, “I study astronomy.”
    “Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”

• • “What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”
    “She got a terrible shock.”
    “How was it?”
    “She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”

• • A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

• • “Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”
    “Yes, dear!”
    “Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”
    “Why, are you so hungry?”
    “No, but I’ve eaten them already.”

• • “Papa, what are ancestors?”
    “Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.”
    “Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”

• • The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

• • “I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”
    “Yes, yes; go on.”
    “I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”

• • A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

• • What did one bee say to the other bee?
    Wasabi!

• • A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.
    “Here, madam,” he said, “we have a native of Australia.”
    “Good gracious,” she replied, “and to think my sister married one of them.”

• • “Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”
    “A bartender, my boy.”

• • A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

• • Friend 1: “Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?”
    Friend 2: “No, sold anything yet?”
    Friend 1: “Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.”

• • An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, “Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!”
    “Is this her first child?” asks the operator.
    “No you dumbass! It’s her husband!”

• • “Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?”
    “He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.”

• • Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”
    Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”

• • After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I’ll pretend to be gay. I’m going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
    I’ll get their boyfriends!

More hilarious jokes

• • Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
    Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
    It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
    “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

• • Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”
    Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”

• • “What do you find the most difficult thing on the piano?”
    “To pay the installments.”

• • Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
    You don’t need make-up, Jane.
    Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
    You need plastic surgery.

• • In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

• • Two girls:
    “I’m going to buy a book.”
    “A book!?”
    “Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading-lamp yesterday.”

• • A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
    “Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
    “Wrong number,” replied the girl.

• • Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

• • A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
    “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
    “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
    The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
    The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

• • Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”
    Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller, that’s all.”

• • How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
    It’s when the blind try to read your face.

• • Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
    “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
    The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
    There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

• • Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
    Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
    Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

• • “I wasn’t that drunk yesterday.” “Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying.”

• • A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.
    “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”