Little Johnny jokes

• • A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
    Little Johnny replied: “They couldn’t get a baby sitter.”

• • Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
    “My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.
    “Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”
    “It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear,” insisted Johnny. “I had to force him, but he ate it!”

• • The teacher asked Little Johnny: “How can you prove the earth is round?”
    Little Johnny replied: “I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.”

• • Little Johnny’s preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: “Does anyone know what this is?”
    Little Johnny’s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
    Little Johnny replied: “That’s how Mommy knows supper is ready!”

• • Little Johnny went up to his teacher and says: “Miss can I go to the toilet?”
    The Teacher then said: “Only if you say the alphabet, then you can go.”
    Little Johnny: Ok! ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ.
    Teacher: Well done but wheres the P?
    Little Johnny: Half way down my legs.

• • Teacher: “How much is half of 8?”
    Little Johnny: “Up and down or across?”
    Teacher: “What do you mean?”
    Little Johnny: “Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!”

• • Little Johnny: “Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?”
    Mum: “No it doesn’t my son.”
    Little Johnny: “Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed.”

• • “And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?“ asks mother.
    “Come on mom, the most important thing is that I’m healthy!“

• • Little Johnny wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!”

• • Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”
    His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
    Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”

More little Johnny jokes

• • Teacher: “Why are you praying in class little Johnny?”
    Little Johnny: “My mom taught me to always pray before going to sleep.”

• • Teacher: “If 1+ 1 = 2 and 2+ 2 = 4, what is 4+ 4?”
    Little Johnny: “That’s not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!”

• • A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
    Little Johnny replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

• • Little Johnny, why does your little sister cry?
    Because I helped her.
    But that is a good thing! What did you help her with?
    I helped her eat her gummy bears.

• • Teacher: “I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you’ve only done it 7 times?”
    Little Johnny: “Looks like my counting isn’t too good either!”

• • Teacher: “What came after the stone age and the bronze age?”
    Little Johnny: “The sausage!”

• • The class is having a guessing game and the teacher asks, “OK, what do you call someone who keeps on talking even though nobody else is interested anymore?”
    Little Johnny shouts eagerly, “A teacher!”

• • Teacher: “Can you count to 10?”
    Little Johnny: “Yes, teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”
    Teacher: “Now go on from there.”
    Little Johnny: “Jack, Queen, King.”

• • Teacher: “Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”
    Little Johnny: “At the bottom!”

• • Teacher: “Did you parents help you with these homework problems?”
    Little Johnny: “No I got them all wrong by myself!”

• • Little Johnny to his mom: “I shot 4 goals at the soccer match today!”
    Mom: “Wonderful, looks like your team won, right?”
    Little Johnny: “Not really, we played 2 – 2.”

• • Teacher: “Can you tell me something important that didn’t exist 100 years ago?”
    Little Johnny: “Me!”

• • Little Johnny wrote: “Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!”
    Santa wrote back: “Send me your mother.”

• • Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

• • Teacher: “What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?”
    Little Johnny: “I don’t know, I wasn’t invited!”

• • Teacher: “You copied from Fred’s exam paper didn’t you?”
    Little Johnny: “How did you know?”
    Teacher: “Fred’s paper says ‘I don’t know’ and you have added ‘Me, neither’!”

• • Little Johnny’s father asked for report card. Johnny replied, “I don’t have it.” “Why not?” His father asked. “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”

• • Teacher: “I’m glad to see your writing has improved.”
    Little Johnny: “Thank you!”
    Teacher: “Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!”

• • Teacher: “Name two pronouns?”
    Little Johnny: “Who? Me?”

• • Teacher: “What is the most common phrase used in school?”
    Little Johnny: “I don’t know!”
    Teacher: “Correct!”

• • The teacher wrote on the blackboard: “I ain’t had no fun in months.” Then asked the class, “How should I correct this sentence?” Little Johnny raised his had and replied, “Get yourself a new boyfriend.”

• • Teacher: “Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first?”
    Little Johnny: “I want to know how it ends!”

• • Little Johnny’s family is sitting at the dinner table.
    Father: “Can you please pray for dinner!”
    Little Johnny: “Dear God. Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad’s computer. Amen!”

• • Little Johnny’s father farted. The son asked his father: “What was that?” His father said: “My sweet that is ‘north wind'” When he went to school the teacher asked the class: “Who knows the direction of the north wind? Little Johnny shouted: “My daddy’s ass!”

• • Head teacher: “Are you in the top half of your class?”
    Little Johnny: “No, I’m one of the students who make the top half possible!”

• • Teacher: “Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?”
    Little Johnny: “I suspect it’s around Hadrian’s garden!”

• • Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?” Little Johnny replies, “Because George was the one holding the axe?

• • Teacher: “What are you going to be when you get out of school?”
    Little Johnny: “An old man!”

• • Teacher: “What can we do to stop water pollution?”
    Little Johnny: “Stop taking baths?”

• • A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”
    After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”
    “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”

• • Teacher: “If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one, how many would I have left?”
    Little Johnny: “One, the others would have flown away!”

• • Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!” The policeman said, “What’s he like?” Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”

• • Teacher: “This note from your father looks like your handwriting?”
    Little Johnny: “Well, yes, he borrowed my pen!”

• • Little Johnny: “I’m not going back to school ever again!”
    Mom: “Why not?”
    Little Johnny: “The teacher doesn’t know a thing, all she does is ask questions!”

• • Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!” Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”

• • Teacher: “I told you to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only drawn the cow?”
    Little Johnny: “Yes, the cow ate all the grass!”

• • Teacher: “Fred can you find me America on the map please?”
    Fred: “There it is!”
    Teacher: “Now, Johnny, who discovered America?”
    Little Johnny: “Fred did!”

• • Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”
    “No,” says his mom, “Of course not.”
    After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend, “It’s OK, we can keep playing!”

• • Teacher: “Who can tell me 5 wild animals?”
    Little Johnny: “2 lions & 3 wolves.”

• • Teacher: “If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?”
    Little Johnny: “None!”
    Teacher (surprised): “Why not?”
    Little Johnny: “Because you can’t lay eggs!”

The last 12 little Johnny jokes

• • Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. “Son, don’t you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?”
    “My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!” replied Johnny.
    “Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?” the old lady retorted.
    “No,” said Johnny, “but he minded his own freakin’ business.”

• • Teacher: “What is further away, Australia or the Moon?”
    Little Johnny: “Australia, you can see the Moon at night!”

• • Teacher: “I told you to stand at the end of the line?”
    Little Johnny: “I tried, but there was someone already there!”

• • Little Johnny asked his father, “Dad, can you write in the dark?”
    His father said, “I think so. What do you want me to write?”
    Little Johnny replied, “Oh, just sign this report card for me.”

• • Teacher: “Would you at the back of the room stop passing notes!”
    Little Johnny: “We’re not passing notes. We’re playing cards!”

• • Teacher: “If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?”
    Little Johnny: “Big hands!”

• • Little Johnny: “I got 100 in school today.”
    Mother: “Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?”
    Little Johnny: “Two things – I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History.”
    Mother: “Well, at least you can add!”

• • During a lesson little Johnny yawns extremely wide.
    Teacher tries to make a joke: “Johnny, don’t swallow me.”
    He replies: “Don’t worry, teacher, I don’t eat pork.”

• • Teacher: “If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?”
    Little Johnny: “Nine.”
    Teacher: “That’s not right, you’d have eight.”
    Little Johnny: “No, Teacher, I’d have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!”

• • Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it’s a beaver, Johnny.”
    The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It’s a beaver, but I think grandma’s is dead because it’s tongue is hanging out.”

• • The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word “definitely” in a sentence.
    Little Johnny replies: “Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?”
    The Teacher says: “Of course not Johnny.”
    To which Johnny replies: “Then I have definitely shit my pants.”

• • Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “What is the chemical formula for water?”
    Little Johnny replies, “HIJKLMNO”!
    The teacher, puzzled, asks, “What on Earth are you talking about?”
    Little Johnny replies, “Yesterday you said it was H to O!”