School jokes

• • If sleep is really good for the brain, then why is it not permitted in school?

• • What kind of plates do they use on Venus?
    Flying saucers!

• • If teachers are so smart, why are they still in school?

• • A first-grade teacher can’t 
believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
    “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
    “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
    “Then I’d be a football fan.”

• • If school isn’t a place to sleep then home isn’t a place to study.

• • I wish school was as easy as half the girls in it.

• • “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
    “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
    “Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
    “Yes,” said the boy. “It means 
carrying a child.”

• • For Martin Luther King Day, 
I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”

• • If you make a camp to help kids with ADHD, then is it a concentration camp?

• • I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone.”

• • That awkward moment when an emo kid goes to McDonald’s and orders a Happy Meal.

• • C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping

• • My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they’re like, “It wasn’t that hard.”

• • If a picture is worth a thousand words, then why shouldn’t we judge a book by its cover?

• • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
    To steal from many is research.

• • “How do you spell toad?” one of my first-grade students asked.
    “We just read a story about a toad,” I said, then helped him spell it out: “T-O-A-D.”
    Satisfied, he finished writing the story he’d begun, then read it aloud: “I toad my mama I wanted a dog for my birthday.”

• • M.A.T.H. = Mental Abuse to Humans

• • 2 things you can learn in school: Texting without looking and teamwork on tests.

• • After a day of listening to my eighth graders exchange gossip, I decided to quote Mark Twain to them: “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
    After considering my words, one of my students asked, “What does it mean to remove all doubt?”

• • Question on second-grade math quiz: “Tony drank 1/6 of a glass of juice. Emily drank 1/4 of a glass of juice. Emily drank more. Explain.”
    My grandson’s answer: “She was more thirsty.”

• • Teacher: “Simon, can you say your name backwards?”
    Simon: “No Mis.”

• • Teacher: If a chicken give you meat, a pig give you bacon, what does a fat cow give you?
    Student: HOMEWORK!

• • S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life
    S.C.H.O.O.L. = Sucks Children’s Happiness Out Of Life

• • Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together? OMg!

• • Teacher: What is an evangelist?
    Student: Someone who plays the evangelo.

• • Mom: What did you learn in school?
    Son: Not enough I have to go back again tomorrow.

• • Teacher: “Why are you talking during my lesson?”
    Student: “Why are you teaching during my conversation?”

• • Teacher: Why can’t freshwater fish live in salt water?
    Student: The salt would give them high blood pressure.

• • A father who is very much concerned about his son’s bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school.
    After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He’s getting “A”s in math.
    The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: “Why are your math grades suddenly so good?”
    “You know”, the son explains, “when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!”

• • (1) Say “Eye”
    (2) Spell the word “Map”
    (3) Say “Ness”.
    Repeat this 10 times, faster and faster.

• • Teacher: How can we keep the school clean?
    Student: By staying at home.

• • Teacher: What is irony?
    Student: “Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe.”

• • Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Joey, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
    Joey: Because George still had the ax in his hand?

• • Mark: Why did the broom get a poor grade in school?
    Dan: I don’t know. Why?
    Mark: Because it was always sweeping during class!

• • A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and suddenly was lost.
    He stopped a student and asked, “Do you know where the library is at?”
    “I sure do,” replied the student, “But, you know, you’re not supposed to end sentences with prepositions.”
    “What?”
    “Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an ‘at’, which you aren’t supposed to do.”
    “Oh, ok,” said the Texan, “Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”

• • SCHOOL: 2 + 2 = 4.
    HOMEWORK: 2 + 4 + 2 = 8.
    EXAM: Matthew has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the sun’s mass.

• • Dan: Why did the M&M go to school?
    Stan: Why?
    Dan: Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!

• • Son: “My math teacher is crazy”.
    Mother: “Why?”
    Son: “Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2.”

• • George W. Bush visits Algeria.
    As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: “You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra.”

• • A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
    “My father grows beans,” said one girl.
    “My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
    A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”

Many more school jokes

• • The teacher asks, “Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?”
    Flora blushes and says, “That’s disgusting, I won’t even answer that question.”
    The teacher calls on Johnny: “What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?” “That’s easy,” says Johnny. “It’s the pupil of the eye.”
    “Very good, Johnny,” responds the teacher.
    “That’s correct.”
    She then turns to Flora and says, “First, you didn’t do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you’re in for a BIG disappointment.”

• • A science teacher tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.”
    A blonde student responds, “Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”

• • There are three people applying for the same job.
    One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant.
    The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say “we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?” The mathematician, without hesitation, says “1000.”
    The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.
    When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers “1000… I’m 95% confident.”
    He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
    When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: “what is 500 plus 500?”
    The accountant replies, “What would you like it to be?”
    They hire the accountant.

• • A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: “A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment.”
    he mathematician: “A wife. You have security.”
    The computer scientist: “Both. When I’m not with my wife, she thinks I’m with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend, and vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me…”

• • Boy: Can I go to the bathroom?
    Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet.
    Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
    Teacher: Where’s the p?
    Boy: “Half way down my leg.”

• • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
    It’s okay. He woke up.

• • At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab.
    A student promptly raised his hand and said, “Never lick the spoon.”

• • Teacher: What is the formula for water? Student: ”H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O”.
    Teacher: That’s not what I taught you.
    Student: “But you said the formula for water was H to O”.

• • “What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?”
    “She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me.”
    “I don’t believe that she cheated on you!”
    “Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns.”

• • An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?”
    The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

• • A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.
    His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
    The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
    “No,” says his advisor, “In her biology class.”

• • A student comes late to school.
    His teacher asked him “Why were you late to school?”
    Student: “My mom and dad were fighting.”
    Teacher: “What does your parents fighting have to do with you being late for school?”
    Student: “One of my shoes was in my mom’s hand and the other one was in dad’s hand.

• • One day I went into school all puzzled and said to my teacher “Miss will I get into trouble for something I havent done ?”
    She said “No why”.
    I said “Because I haven’t done my homework”.

• • Dad: “Can I see your report card, son?”
    Son: “I don’t have it.”
    Dad: “Why?”
    Son: “I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.”

• • Why did the student take a ladder to school?
    Because he/she was going to high school!

• • Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
    Because you can’t drink and derive.

• • Boy: “Your stupid”!
    Girl: “Do you know who I am”?
    Boy: “No”.
    Girl: “I’m the principals daughter”.
    Boy: “Do you know who I am”?
    Girl: “No”.
    Boy: “Good”. (walks away)

• • Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
    Student: “A drinking problem.”

• • Why did the student throw his watch out of the school window?
    He wanted to see time fly.

• • What is Grammar?
    The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you’re shit.

• • Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
    Student: “My father’s check book!”

• • What’s another name for Santa’s elves?
    Subordinate Clauses.

• • What happened to the plant in math class?
    It grew square roots.

• • A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy.”
    The mother asked, “What did you do?”
    The boy replied, “I hit him with my purse!”

• • Why didn’t the skeleton go to the school dance?
    He didn’t have anyBody to take.

• • What three candies can you find in every school?
    Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.

• • What’s a teacher’s favorite nation?
    Expla-nation.

• • What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
    LMAYO.

• • Teacher: What is the value of Pi?
    Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

• • Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
    Because it had more cents.

• • What does a mathematician do about constipation?
    He works it out with a pencil.

• • Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom.
    The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
    One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
    “You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
    The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

• • What kind of school do you find on a mountain top?
    Heights school.

• • What is a proof?
    One-half percent of alcohol.

• • Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
    Because she couldn’t control her pupils?

• • Teacher: “Name a bird with wings but can’t fly.”
    Student: “A dead bird, sir.”

• • Why is a math book always unhappy?
    Because it always has lots of problems.

• • How did the geography student drown?
    His grades were below C-level.

• • What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
    Dam!

• • What is a chalkboard’s favorite drink?
    Hot chalk-olate!

• • Why don’t you do arithmetic in the jungle?
    Because if you add 4+4 you get ate!

• • Why is 6 afraid of 7?
    Because 7 8 9.

• • Teacher: “I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?”
    Student: “The cow ate the grass, sir.”

• • How does a math professor propose to his fiancé?
    With a polynomial ring!

• • What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?
    SWAG.

• • Teacher: “Why are you so late?”
    Student: “Someone told me to go to hell.”
    Teacher: “Why did that make you late to class?”
    Student: “I couldn’t find it at first, but now here I am.”

• • Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
    Because he was a paleontologist.

• • How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature?
    Romeostasis.

• • What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
    One says, “Spit out your gum,” and the other says, “Choo choo choo!”

• • What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
    Rubber-band because it stretches.

• • If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
    H2O cubed.

• • Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school?
    Because she sprained her angle!

• • Why don’t farts graduate from high school?
    Because they always end up getting expelled!

• • Teacher: “Jill, where is the America on the map?”
    Jill: “Right there, ma’am.”
    Teacher: “Correct. Now, Jack, tell me who found America.”
    Jack: “Jill.”

• • What do you call a music teacher with problems?
    A trebled man.

• • What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
    A large pizza can feed a family of four.

• • Teacher: “What is the future tense of the statement: ‘I had killed a thief’?”
    Student: “You will go to jail.”

• • What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
    The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work – the philosopher can do without the trash bin.

• • Why did the giraffe get bad grades?
    He had his head in the clouds.

Did you know you also could finde some of the most funny Pokemon jokes here on the internet. Just click the link!

The last 20 school jokes

• • How did the Janitor Die?
    He kicked the bucket.

• • If number two pencils are so popular why are they still number two?

• • How do you call the largest accumulation point of poles?
    Warsaw!

• • Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
    To reach the high notes.

• • What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
    2 Fast 2 Curious.

• • What is the fastest way to determine the gender of a chromosome?
    Pull down its genes.

• • Did you hear they’re changing the flooring in daycare centers?
    They’re calling it infant-tile!

• • What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
    The Nucleus.

• • What are a blonde’s first words after graduating college?
    “Would you like fries with that?”

• • What gets white as it gets dirty?
    Chalkboard.

• • If H20 is water what is H204?
    Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming.

• • Teacher: “What is the largest city?”
    Student: “Electricity!”.

• • What did the mathematician’s parrot say?
    A poly “no meal”.

• • Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
    They already 8.

• • Name a bus you can never enter?
    A syllabus.

• • What did one math book say to the other?
    Don’t bother me I’ve got my own problems!

• • A teacher asks a student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?”
    The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

• • Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?
    Because it’s basic material.

• • English: We speak it.
    History: They’re dead.
    Math: We have calculators.
    Spanish: We have Dora.

• • I hate school and got caught skipping the other day.
    My principal said, “Walk normal next time, you fruitcake.”