Dumb jokes

• • What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
    Wipes his ass.

• • Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg?
    He’s all right now.

• • Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?
    Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.
    Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
    Man: No, I’m a barber.

• • I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger.
    And then it hit me.

• • Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
    Because he had a great fall.

• • What’s black, red, black, red, black, red?
    A zebra with a sun burn.

• • People wonder why I call my toilet “The Jim” instead of “The John.”
    I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

• • What’s the tallest building in the world?
    The library, cause it has the most stories.

• • What is green and sits crying in the corner?
    The incredible Sulk.

• • I went to the bank the other day and asked the teller to check my balance.
    The bitch pushed me, but I couldn’t really blame her.

• • Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
    There’s no point.

• • Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes?
    Because they lack the thumbs to ring the bell.

• • Money doesn’t grow on trees, right?
    So why does every bank have so many branches?

• • How do trees get online?
    They log in.

• • What has four legs, one foot and one head?
    A bed.

• • Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted?
    Because he was outstanding in his field.

• • What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?
    A small medium at large.

• • Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?
    Andy has diabetes now.

• • Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.
    The police better be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

• • Why did the pig leave the party early?
    Because everyone thought he was a boar.

Want more dumb jokes?

• • One twin to the other: “You are ugly.”

• • What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
    Snowballs.

• • How come oysters never donate to charity?
    Because they’re shellfish.

• • Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
    Because they’re dead.

• • Why are barns so noisy?
    Because all the cows have horns.

• • What do computers snack on?
    Microchips.

• • What did one Egyptian say to the other Egyptian after they both farted?
    “We have a toot in common.”

• • Why can’t you trust an atom?
    Because they make up literally everything.

• • What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
    You’re too young to smoke.

• • What did the farmer say when he lost his sheep?
    Where’s my sheep?

• • What do you call a bear with no teeth?
    A gummy bear.

• • What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?
    Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

• • Guess who I saw yesterday?
    Everyone I looked at.

• • How do fish get high?
    Seaweed.

• • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
    Everything’s fine. He woke up.

• • Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
    Because its head is so far up from its body.

• • What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
    It gets toad away.

• • Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert?
    Because they’re always stuffed.

• • The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms.

• • What did the janitor yell after he jumped out of the closet?
    “Supplies!”

• • What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it?
    A waist of time.

• • You know why when geese fly in a V, one side of the V is longer than the other?
    There’s more geese on that side.

• • I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
    But when I got home, all the signs were there.

The last 12 dumb jokes

• • What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
    Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!

• • Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
    Because if they fell forward, they’d still be on the boat.

• • How can you get four suits for a dollar?
    Buy a deck of cards.

• • What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
    One says, “Spit out your gum” and the other says, “Choo choo choo.”

• • Why is Peter Pan always flying?
    Because he never lands.

• • What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
    A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

• • What do you say to a drunk who walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck?
    “You can stay. Just don’t try to start anything.”

• • What did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
    Get in the batmobile.

• • What’s so great about being a hitman?
    They all kill it.

• • Why didn’t the melons get married?
    Because they cantaloupe.

• • If April showers bring May flowers, what comes next in June?
    Pilgrims.

• • A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.
    Thank goodness it was a soft drink.